This post has taken a long time to write, not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I have been dealing with some serious sadness and thus a total lack of motivation; a definite case of the September blues. I used to love everything about September; the return to routine, the new school supplies and fall clothes, as well as the return to school for the kids and me. It was one of the busiest times of the year, but I reveled in the chaotic excitement. I looked forward to new goals, new students and new organizational tricks. September was my January, a whole new year just bursting with possibility. That bubble burst with my diagnosis. This is the third September I have entered with ALS, and in truth it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.
I still long to be setting up my classroom, catching up with dear colleagues and getting to know a new bunch of eager students. Driving home at the end of the day to connect with Silas and Olivia, rushing to activities and managing dinner in there somewhere. It was busy and I loved it, more than loved it, I thrived on it. It’s difficult having to switch gears so quickly, especially when everyone around you is going about their lives, business as usual.
I had a friend share an article recently in which the author laments the end of the summer and the sadness she feels at having to send her kids back to school. There was a time when I might have laughed at this sentiment. Don’t get me wrong, I have always thoroughly enjoyed the lazy days of summer and quality time spent with my children, but equally appreciated the start of a new school year. I can now identify with this “sad” mom. Not only do I miss teaching, I really miss the kids being at home. I love having them around, it’s just comfortable. Silas and Olivia spent most of July at home, and I was fortunate to spend some precious time with them. We shared some good conversation, a few shopping trips and some Stranger Things watching. 😉
I didn’t see the kids as much in August as they went away with friends a few times, took in a Mariners game with Grandma and Grandpa, attended an ALS camp (for kids affected by the disease in some way) and visited Calgary, their old stomping ground. 😉 Sure I missed them, but feel so blessed that they got a chance to do “summer things”, playing beach volleyball, enjoying water sports, hanging out like teenagers. I am grateful to have the kind of friends who offer to take your kids with them on vacation and who invite them to fly out and visit. It does my heart good to know that my kids are happy.
While I’m admittedly not eager to share my kids with school and extracurricular activities just yet, and the wistfulness remains when I contemplate not teaching again, I realize I need to move forward. I recognize that it’s important to validate one’s feelings, but the time comes when you have to stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future. It can be easier said than done, especially when your heart isn’t cooperating, but I’m trying to seek out the good, the blessings. For the first time in almost three years, I have started spending time on Pinterest. I have been avoiding it, because for me Pinterest=teaching, and I found it too difficult. Alas, I have turned a corner and am enjoying finding ideas for decorating Silas’s room and ways to organize all of the kids saved schoolwork. I’d say that’s progress. 😉 Now for said motivation to strike so these projects get completed. Lol!
I am grateful for the messages of encouragement this past week, they helped more than you know. XO
Until next time…
Hi Leanne,
Thank you for sharing your heart and and the ways ALS has been affecting you and your family. I know September must be especially difficult for you and the loss of having your kids around all the time must be hard for you. I am so encouraged by the way you take your difficulties and turn them around and find new ways to cope, and have purpose. I too, love pinterest😉and have had to take a beak from it at times because it really is a rabbit hole. I recently started taking Professional Organizing, Interior Decorating, and Home Staging courses through distance education. It is time for a new career( exciting and a bit scary). Thinking of you today and praying for you, my friend. You are loved.
Hi Leanne. My name is Karen Gauthier. My mom and your dad’s mom were sisters. You do not know me that much as I am not one who could travel in the past as we were full time farmers in Saskatchewan. The farm and family were first on the list. I am so overwhelmed to hear your positive thoughts as you deal with ALS. Your strength is fantastic and wonderful to hear. If only others could tune into your life and realize they have little issues. Yes everyone goes through issues and there are always more to come. We are learning how our visibly impaired grandson learns and has no limits as to what he can do and will not stop at anything. He will be 6 in November. I just want to let you know I am praying for you and wish you God’s blessings. We are now retired and learning to have more fun with our grandchildren and I am able to quilt as I love sewing. Take care and keep up all those positive thoughts. Please say hi to your family.